Many years ago (at least two decades back), I worked with a man who I became friends with who sadly passed away in the late 80's from cancer. He was the king of anecdotes and he dispensed them freely with ease, on the spot to various co-workers a good 25 years before "Sh*t My Dad Says" made it's debut. His wit was renown and his one liners still linger in my brain to this day. I've collected some of his memorable lines here to share with you, none of them are made up and I've written them verbatim to the best of my recollection:
On a diminutive (4 foot 9"), foul smelling co-worker:
"Of course he has B.O. He's small it's his only defense"
On a co-worker causing a racket:
"Knock it off you're making more noise than two skeletons f*cking on a tin roof in a hailstorm"
On a co-worker who was notoriously cheap:
"Cheap? That bastard's so tight he throw nickels around like they're manhole covers"
On a 25 year old pathological liar co-worker who claimed to have done various jobs for a living:
"To have all the jobs he's claimed to have had I figure he started working full time about two days after birth".
On a co-worker who weighed over 500 pounds:
"What's he care about losing his job for? This place folds he can go rent his back out as a handball court".
On a female co-worker who was notoriously loose:
"I wouldn't mess with that, there's guys on milk cartons laying down at the bottom of that thing that fell in there. If you're going to nail her you'd better strap a board to your ass so you don't fall in"
On the same woman:
"She probably has diseases that "Scientific American" doesn't know about"
On a curmudgeonly old female co-worker:
"She's a c*nt with a kickstand"
On witnessing a three hundred pound plus supervisor climb on a small Honda motorcycle and drive off:
"Seeing ******* trying to get on his motorcycle is unreal, it like watching a gorilla trying to f*ck a football"
On the slightly demented Korean War veteran janitor at our place of work:
"Do you know why we reached a stalemate in Korea? Because those poor Chinese bastards knew if they'd take the hill they'd have that kooky bastard as a prisoner so they threw themselves in front of machine guns instead, I'd take a quick death over an hour near him any day"
On dying of cancer:
"You know at first when I got cancer I prayed to god for forgiveness for all the wicked things I did in life, then I thought you know what I'm dying of cancer, that's my punishment for being wicked. When you really get down to it god is one vindictive c*cksucker"
On career advancement at work:
"Be nice to the people you meet on the ladder of success because there's some low life motherf*cker's down the bottom with 2 X 4's waiting for you to fall off"
On our place of work:
"It's like god went out on a drinking binge with Broderick Crawford one night and they rounded up every crazy bastard they could find and put them in one place, you gotta hand it to the big man, he's the ultimate prankster"
On a somewhat rough looking older co-workers wrinkled complexion:
"Will you look at that face? With those wrinkles, you could hold eight day's of rain water in that face".
On a co-worker's bad art work attempts:
"If all the artists through time were as bad as he is Toulouse Letrec would've been known for his weight lifting"
One hillbillies in the military:
"Those people make great career soldiers. Who else would be impressed by getting three free pairs of new shoes"
"They're natural soldiers, those people love shooting and blowing sh*t up for free never mind getting paid to do it"